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September 11th

I'm tired once again. I really need to stop waiting until its so late to write on my blog I almost forgot tonight. 

Well Its september 11th again and for some reason this year it seems so much more real than even 2001 did. I wish I could understand the amount of hate one must have to commit such a selfish act. Not that I nor I am sure most people can boast of being completely or even a little selfless. But to kill that many innocent people just to make a statement. I really can't understand it. I wish only to say to those families that are grieving their lost ones as a result of the events on this day 9 years ago let today be about remembering them as they were in life, remembering their laugh, and the happy moments you had together, let it be filled with happiness for them and the amount of time they graced this earth with their presence, and let love fill the holes that they have left in your heart, let today bring a smile to your face thinking of the time you shared with them. And always remember.

when things were like a springsteen song (sept.10)

I'm having a bruce day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5PoIrcyd34

This time felt a little more real and a little closer to the end. I know its not quite yet, but its getting closer. Each goodbye drags it out. Things we'll always be thinking but we'll never say. And I can't help but wonder if I'm making something out of nothing. I let my hands stand still. I don't dance around. I laugh, but its more like an echo. And then I fight in my head about how this time will draw to a close. And while I'm still trying to figure out exactly how this is supposed to go its suddenly over and I'm always left slightly bewildered. Completely unsure of what happened and why what part of me wanted to happen didn't. But also knowing I didn't expect it to, not anymore. Things are different. I used to be so sure I could feel what you were feeling which as I'm typing this I can see how cliche and ridiculous that sounds but its true and now I never know what's coming next with you. which makes me melancholy in broad sort of way. That is to say I can put it aside because I know whatever was between us is almost over. Thats all really.

we scare the other team with our maddog faces (sept.9th)

clothes on my bed. Towel on her head. making grossed out sounds whilst watching someone get their femur broken. why yes, yes I am just listing things I see and hear. gaahh I have nothing to say so I will tell you an amusing anecdote from today. Caitlin and I were buying our food at a restaurant and when Caitlin received her change she went to put the coins in the tip jar and accidently dropped some of her paper money in and then tried to take it back out which took, no exaggeration, at least two minutes. And the whole time the lady at the register was just maddoggin her and I was just dying of laughter instead of being helpful. It was truly a beautiful moment! And the bad tasting pizza tasted so much better than it normally does. Oh how I dearly love to laugh.

I came across all these really great color photographs from the 40s

ala lalala alalalala I'm uninspired

Tired is what I am today, today was too much on one hour of sleep.  I went to school I came home did homework went back to school came home changed clothes went to work came home changed clothes again picked up the brother from a practice came home went up to Baldy with some old friends Drank hot chocolate and now I'm here... back home... exhausted, and too uninspired to write anything of substance. 

Flubber and Twinkies: all a girl needs in life.

these are a few of my favorite things

Things I like and I love for the moment.

I love food always.

especially colorful food

especially sweet food

I like when people can see the big picture.

I love things out of the ordinary.

I like beautiful people.

 I love street art.

I love things that make me laugh.

I like things that are clever.

I love the rain.

I like Ice tea.

I like smiling faces.

I love foxes always.

September 6th

My eyelids are drooping, each time I blink they want to stay down. Exhaustion is waiting to consume me. My dreams will come soon and I'll forget to remember most of them. My legs are restless wanting more movement the rest of me is protesting the late hour. 

My brain's got nothing left to give and I rather joyously anticipate the morning sun along with birds that chirp. Reason being tomorrow is the day I run again and I can't explain what its like but I think tomorrow I'll try. 

My heart, I need you to be small.

You've been off my mind for all this time, probably intentionally.

Something made me think of you today, and now I cannot stop.

Out of the blue you popped in my mind, and that used to make me sad.

But today when I thought of the time we have spent it made me smile instead.

There's still an ache somewhere in me, in a space you used to occupy.

I try not to imagine a day when you might again, it seems like a stretch now.

I want to smile now, and laugh about the silly things we used to do.

Yes, for that is what makes me feel stronger.

For months, maybe years we longed to live closer than thousands of miles away,

But now you are here in the same town as I, and we see nothing of each other these days.

I think of the first time you took your hand with mine

we sat under stars and wondered how long it could last.

The night we went down to the icy cold river and you made me jump in,

It was so cold I screamed and told you I'd never talk to you again.

The hike back to the car I fell nothing unusual there,

but for a change there was some one there to catch me.

The times we would sit and talk for hours until our heads were too full of each other's thoughts,

So we'd sit there in silence, not needing to talk just to be, as long as you were right there.

I remember laughing on the phone when you found a spider in your room and swore you couldn't kill it.

Those last night hours that seemed like a dream, but not ours.

That time that we walked through your old school.

It doesn't matter really that we don't talk much now,

I know you think of these things from time to time too, and I hope you smile as well.

when the sun is shining everything will be okay

Ever since I was a little kid I have had this mentality that once its light out everything will seem less scary. Even still now that I'm older and not necessarily afraid of the dark, I still find my problems less daunting in the morning. I can try to find a solution with a fresh day. Night is where the monsters lurk and when the predators come out to prey. Its only natural to be afraid of the dark if you really think about it, I mean its the unknown right? In the dark you're completely blind and unaware of what's out there, that's what makes it frightening. You can't see what's ahead of you we all like to know what's coming next in life, so really I would say I am still afraid of the dark and what's lurking in it.

September 3rd

I was not around a computer yesterday but I did write something so I am going to post from my notebook.
There's a hot summer breeze ruffling my hair, I know school has already started but the heat makes me long for the free lazy days of summer. "You don't know a good thing until its gone" I'm not sure who says that but its incredibly true. People are constantly complaining about their situation and then once they are out of that situation they want at least some aspect of it back. I'm not really sure what my point is, I guess I just would like to try to complain less. I am happy, I have a nice life and if I work hard enough I can achieve what I want. Thats all really.

From the Moon, Tonight.

Hanging by a thread from the moon tonight.

Only I've forgotten which way the moon is going.

Is it waxing or is it waning so I look up to check.

Suddenly I see the moon isn't there at all.

I look back down suspended in midair.

I feel the thin string slipping through my fingers faster and faster.

Then I start to feel the drop in my stomach, the wind whooshing through my hair.

The street lights that seconds ago were tiny twinkling specks getting bigger and brighter.

But still there is no fear in me, my mind is calm and quiet leaving me plenty of space to observe everything around me.

I notice the speed I'm falling at is a speed at which I have never traveled freely.

Birds are falling up and I am falling down. 

I sink through wisps of white clouds.

There is the faintest salty smell in the air that suggests I'm near an ocean.

I know what's coming next and still not even the slights inkling of even nervous anticipation I am completely at ease.

Even enjoying now the beautiful midnight colors.

I am beginning to hear the rushing noises of the world below.

Why aren't they asleep, I wonder.

Maybe I am falling above a big city like New York, or London, perhaps its Paris.

Although I am close enough now that surely I would be able to see the Eiffle Tower.

Somewhere in the back of my mind it registers that I am cold now.

Becoming aware of this I realize there are white crystals of ice floating all around me.

It must be winter here, I think vaguely.

I begin to fret, not over the velocity at which I am hurling towards the ground, but about the people below because now they're in my sight.

I hope dimly that they don't worry about me.

My night gown flutters about my ankles.

I can hear the shouts and screams of terror and confusion from below.

Everything in me is telling me to look down, but instead I look up.

A ray of brilliantly shining light disorients me for a moment.

And then I know it is the sun and there is my string right in front of me, like its been waiting for me the whole time.

I grab hold and I come to an abrupt stop.

Like I kite I soar through the skies over oceans vast and blue.

Dropping lower I can see familiar mountains.

And beyond them the valley I call home.

Dawn is just braking all is quiet in the village.

Swooping lower still I spot my house, still, in the early hours.

Through my open window I slide right onto my bed.

I hold fast to my string I wouldn't dream of letting go.

skidrow

Today I went down to skidrow in LA and gave out water to the homeless and heard their stories and it was amazing! I want to write a more in depth blog tomorrow but I have only three minutes until midnight so just the basics right now but it was so cool and I got to see some old friends which was great and tomorrow I am going to hermosa with them yay!!!

"Le temps perdu"

Lost Time. I come home and do nothing and the result... le temps perdu.

I hate it and I love it. There is something about doing nothing that holds such an interest for me when I am doing something. And once I am doing nothing, something suddenly seems incredibly enticing. There's clearly no logic behind that. Though there rarely is any logic behind most of my thoughts. Thinking about it though where's the fun in being logical all the time? Imagination fuels the most complex discoveries. Thinking like no one else even dreams. Thats how we move forward. Everyone already knows what I'm saying, its just I'm saying it, thats what the difference is. I'm bothering to write down my mundane ideas and experiences. I always have a moment when I'm writing a post when I think how silly it really is because hardly anyone reads it and there's really nothing of consequence in it, but then I think of how Anne Frank says that her diary is just the musings of a teenage girl and how it is completely unimportant and how very wrong she was. And how much we rely upon her diary to accurately depict what trials her family and others in similar situations suffered through. And then I think there is no way my writings will ever be even a hundredth of what hers were, but still if she found it possible even to write a little bit, I can. I can write something trite and and unintelligible . I would never dream of comparing myself or my writing to Anne Frank's, but I do think its important to write down something, leave something behind. And in all my nothingness I think these things. So maybe its not such lost time after all. Or maybe Lost time just isn't so bad. Le temps perdu.

August 30th

Hello again blogger world!
This will have to be short and sweet for I'm running out of today and into tomorrow. Thats an interesting concept, but not really what I had in mind for today's post so we'll save that for a lazy day when time isn't of the essence. Today was the first of the new school year for me and it felt completely the same and entirely different from every other school year. Funny how things can be both, it makes me think of life like a van diagram two separate things with all the differences in the world still finding things in common where the edges of the circle overlap. I like when opposites meet a match.

Kreative K's Once-a-Days

So my friend Keenan and I are starting a project today, its a simple premise really,  I write a post at least once a day and he takes a photo at least once a day (he's a photographer and obviously I am hoping to be a writer). It will most likely be very difficult for me and very easy for him, he's the dependable, responsible sort and I ... well I'm the flakey unreliable sort. Hopefully doing this project with another person will inspire me to stick with it, you know having someone to hold you accountable and all, we shall see, we shall see. With this project I am really hoping to get more familiar with writing as more of a habitual routine and expand my creative horizon in writing. That is to say not all my posts will be substantial as I was hoping them to be previous to this, but as long as I write something I will be happy. I am very excited and can't wait to see the out come!

Keen's handiwork of course:

lagging, lolling and leisurely

"Laying out by the pool and going to the beach." Thats been my answer for two months now. And every summer previous to this one I would have loved to give that answer even been proud of it perhaps. But this summer is different somehow. I don't like that answer, I'm unsatisfied with its emptiness, the vagueness. Its almost a conversation ender. What do you follow that up with? "Oh that sounds nice and relaxing" is what I get most of the time. Which is basically like saying oh you did nothing. And that is exactly what I feel like I want adventure and intrigue. And I have summer at home in my entirely and utterly unmysterious life. I yearn to be active and interesting to be learning in far off places about things i've only ever dreamed about. Sounds a bit trite, doesn't it? To be fussing over my summer plans or lack there of, when there are so many more important things happening in the world. But that is what is on my mind right now my lagging, lolling, leisurely summer. I like alliteration a lot, in fact that just lifted my spirits a bit. Here are some pictures I took from my not-so-exciting summer at home:

Of you, of you, Dear

To  write to have a thought to breathe to think to be to live in this world where there is wind where there is life and death where we are. Us. People.  Existing and being in one space and thinking of being in another where perhaps there is someone else existing at the same moment. Knowing we are small and being of course quite large. Rivers are flowing and music is drifting in ears if someone doesn’t see the river becoming inspired and making the music real the ears do not enjoy this. Tapping and tracing like copying a cat or rather to be one itself, not knowing what cats copy sure is to be it will never be known. Sort of like when whales leap from oceans over caps of white on top of swells of blue having no reason at all for it, of course.  Whales shouldn’t need a reason however they do have some of the time. Eating keeps alive those that must also drink of fluids, fluids become of this, at the mention of which some cringe. Conscience of mine twas unconscious  at the time…no matter the cricket was there so lend your ears to someone, ought not to be selfish . whizzing and humming with whirls in between seems a busy sort of thing hardly a calm could come of it yet that’s where it was found in her  mind. Green that you might find in a field with no pansies grown for them to see. Now shut your eyes and remember to be.

some pictures I took:

a blanket to keep you warm

scratchy sheets are no good at soaking up tears or comforting you.

they don't make you feel warm and safe like a soft blanket would.

summer storms offer no relief from the heat, the rain is just as warm as the air.

empty promises bring more hurt than no words at all.

scratching my back until I fell asleep, then tucking me in and kissing my head.

telling me tails that taught me lessons and took me on adventures far away.

playing every game I could possibly imagine even if you were absurdly bored.

making my lunch every time I cried I was hungry, and keeping me safe and warm.

Grandmas never break promises they never make plans they cant meet.

they always find the missing sock and remember how you like your sandwich cut.

grandmas dont lie and never are late, patiently waiting for you.

grandmas comfort and protect just like a soft blanket would. 

Le Tour

The tour de france is on again and I am happy and I love it. The tour is just... July, its exciting and exhilarating and inspiring but at the same time its comforting. The sound of Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin excitedly narrating the race is one of the most familiar and welcomed sounds of my summer. The whirring of bicycle chains, the intensity of each rider, the strategy that goes into each stage of the tour, roar of the emphatic fans, the terror of the crashes, the pure joy of the victor of each stage, the look of myrth that flits across they're face when they pass the line, it all just entirely encompasses the tour for me. Each rider has a different purpose in the team working together to make one flawless cohesive unit. For as long as I can remember my July mornings have been filled with the excitement of the tour and Lance Armstrong's upsets in it, punctuated by the celebratory screams and sympathetic moans of my own family and friends watching just as intently as the fans in France. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am a creature of habit, and the tour de france is a habit I am particularly proud of having.

when the stars took their turn

if a bird could fly with a wish on its wing through the clouds deep into the sky and keep on til the sun was done and the stars took their turn dancing through the night. then instead of on a star a child wished on a flame so the bird took it up in the day to the place where all wishes are pondered and looked at most carefully to decide which one will come true. the bird could sing a song to help one along for the child who wished for something selfless not for a pony or doll or new model plane but for something much more close to heart. the child who wished that everyone near and far could hear a beautiful song.

makes me want to jump around

hot shiny sun that warms my face.

hot shiny sun that burns my feet as I fun across the sand.

hot shiny sun that turns my shoulders red.

hot shiny sun that scares away the rain.

hot shiny sun that wakes me in the morning.

hot shiny sun that dries up all the dew.

hot shiny sun that only heats the top layer of the pool. 

hot shiny sun that melts my popsicle so sticky.

hot shiny sun that makes me sweat while I run.

hot shiny sun that makes us feel alive.

hot shiny sun that makes us go outside.

hot shiny sun that makes me put my shades on.

hot shiny sun that makes me miss running through the sprinklers.

hot shiny sun that makes me want to jump around.

hot shiny sun that makes me want my best friends near me.

hot shiny sun that compliments crashing waves so nicely.

hot shiny sun that makes all flowers bloom so lovely.

hot shiny sun that makes fun shadows while its rising.

hot shiny sun that makes lovely colors while its setting.

hot shiny sun that means summer is finally here.

hot shiny sun that I love so very much.

My words could make worlds

I would love to write a book and make others care
have ideas what with people I can share
dream a thought make new beings out of air
be the creator of it all write where I should choose
no one but me can decide what my world will be
I could have not just one sun but three
the whole planet sinking in a rocking sea
In my book anything would be possible
If you believe it then it is so
you have nowhere to be and nowhere to go
time has no meaning there's just ebb and flow
in the place I will imagine magic is the norm
Fly if you wish and touch the tallest tree
bend like a river around the rock with me
lay like the moss does and be forever free
no matter what you choose always keep a dream
and what if it was more than a dream what if my writings were real what if like harold and his magic crayon whatever I wrote came true. I could do what I want with just my words on paper and anything could happen, oh what a world that would be. And even so in the world we are now my words could make worlds and make all of it real for with a little imagination anyone can believe.

Wouldn't that be Loverly

I think people used to love differently. That is to say I think love was something more pure and earnest in times long ago. Maybe my perception of love is skewed, but from what I have read, heard, seen, and experienced people just loved differently than they do now. Love was always portrayed as this unyielding, uncontrollable thing. Now though it seems like so many people view it as an antiquated ideal, reminiscent of an earlier time.

Like a mere shadow of what it used to be. I am not entirely cynical with my views on love in fact its quite the opposite seeing this change in people's ability or rather inability to show love has made me want to find that undying and untamable love. It doesn't even have to be in me I would just be so happy to glimpse it in anyone. I think the change is obviously societal, we are constantly encouraged to be tougher and show less emotion, which leads me to believe that underneath all the hard exteriors people are just waiting to love like people used to. I sincerely hope that is the case. I actually believe that too. After all who doesn't love to be in love?

I can blink and I can breath.

When I was four I remember learning to read. I remember sitting on my Mother's lap and starring at the jumble of letters I recognized from the alphabet. I remember being amazed that she could look down at them and make them not only into words but into a story. I remember sitting and studying the smooth cardboard flash cards that had little black pictures of the words I was supposed to be reading. I remember frustrating hours spent on 'Hooked on Phonics' and the picture of the mime on the box. I remember crying because I couldn't decipher this code that everyone but me seemed to understand. Yes, I remember the trials and suffering of learning to read, but I also remember the pure magic of reading my first book. I remember loving the story just as much as the feeling of accomplishment. I remember feeling heartbroken for poor Pretzel, the weenie dog when Greta, the love of his life paid no attention to him. I remember feeling terrified when Greta fell in the deep whole and couldn't get out. I remember feeling overjoyed when pretzel saved her, and they lived happily ever after. I remember starting to read chapter books and more than the sense of maturity that all children get from finally reading a chapter, I remember not wanting to wait another whole day for the next chapter. I remember reading the 'Harry Potter' books and being lost in a wondrous mythical world for days at a time. I remember finishing books and feeling whole, like reading the book made me that much more real. I remember receiving reading assignments and secretly being excited while my classmates groaned. 

I love to read, to live in a different world, to experience someone else's story. 

I can blink and I can breath, but to live I must read.

Feed it need it

I have nothing to blog about as of late. In the past when I would write it was because I had some sort of intense emotion, and more often than not because I was feeling down, and writing has always been my outlet. But now, now I am happy. I like my life. I mean the biggest thing I have to complain about is the cold onion ring I ate yesterday, which was quite possibly the nastiest tasting thing I've ever eaten, and thats hardly blog worthy material. I guess its a good thing that I'm satisfied enough with my life to not find it necessary to complain, but the complaining fueled my thoughts and led me to new discoveries. So since I am having trouble finding topics to write about I will now be taking requests, readers (if I have any) what shall I write about?

Tasting the Sun

Like the bright green shine of sun through the leaves,

Like clouds that make round shapes,

Like clear plastic umbrellas sparkled with rain drops,

Like warm and soft blankets when you're ready for bed,

Like opening the window on a warm summer's day,

Like a kiss on the cheek from some one you love,

Like a matching pair of socks that cover your toes,

Like a peanut butter sandwich on warm wheat bread,

Like a smile shared between two in love,

Like car ride to a mysterious place,

I find comfort. I try new things. I'm learning to taste the Sun.

dot-to-dot

Growing up is like connecting the dots, its this mysterious tedious thing you just keep doing because you're taught the outcome will be worth it. Just like when you were little and you knew a beautiful picture would come from connecting those dots. However, also just like when you were little its sometimes hard to see what the picture will be, where are dots are taking us, and will it all be worth it? And with each dot there's a twist and turn to get to the next one, an obstacle to overcome, another hurtle standing in our way, obscuring the big picture. I can only hope that just like when we were little the picture in the end will be just as rewarding.

When words escape me

Drip, a drop, a quiet plop

the falling of summer rain.

Swish, a swirl, a steady whirl

water gone down the drain.

Icy, and sticky, taking a licky

a popsicle melts in the sun.

Hot, and sweaty, breathing heavy

a late afternoon run.

Bass pounds, wonderful sounds

favorite band playing a song.

Water sloshing, feet squashing

a hike thats almost too long.

Tick tock, seconds on a clock

time slowly passing by.

Teeth showing, eyes glowing

a smile, not knowing why.

I really like this photographer, Nick Brandt, when I saw his photos for the first time words escaped me so I thought it was only appropriate to share some of them in this post.